grumble grumble.

There is this cricket above me while i'm sitting on this hill.
I keep hearing him rub his legs together and I hear the sounds come crashing in like a piece of ocean hitting my feet.
And the wind becomes some song that i always want in my ear.

That's when I start humming and i'll remember a song I haven't sang for a while. so tonight i'll sing alone.
All the while, remembering the taste of it all and making a memory in my mind.
A timestamp of what went wrong in my life to make all of this right.
The city looks like a top hat sitting on the trees.
And the sky looks like a picture with an ocean of lights below.
Almost like if you watched the world above come crashing down like waves of blue and black and stars.
Stars.
But the pavement keeps me warm and I can feel the heat through my jeans and the earth turns into a blanket I cannot crawl under. But I want to.
With life comes change.
With change comes awareness.
And with all of my new foun theories and dreams, I could just settle here. Just watching the sky turn the world dark.
And I myself, start to dissipate.
Almost fall asleep I suppose in the night air, and the branches that i can see when i'm laying out with the sky.
Just sometimes, I wish that the street lights would all turn off so I could see the whole of it all. So i can see the moon without the city lights.
Lately i've been tested. In ways I never knew.

This... cat.
Changed my life.. I suppose.
I keep thinking back to a couple months ago when my life was drowning and everyday i woke up with an ache. it almost felt like my self worth was kicking me in the stomach telling me to do something.
And then I found Toot.
At the park just wandering. Poor little guy, and I scooped him up right in my little palms. That's how littttle he is.
And I had to leave my living situations for him. And it pushed me.
Here I was.. looking for something to get me away from my normalcy. I wanted to stop feeling like I was trapped, when I very well can do whatever I please.
I am moved into my own place now and I love it. I am happy and I have little dummie Toot. ha ha ha.
I have to push myself. Or someone else has to. I swear. when life is easy, i get boring and dumb. I have to be pushed. Every single day. That's all. And i've learned to do it myself.
Now I live downtown and i'm happy about everything.

Who says life can't be changed by the smallest little tap. It's like this butterfly effect and it takes a hold of you and you don't know what to do with yourself.

Somedays, I hope to be a writer, a painter, a "whatever", that can jump start my motive; my reason for doing everything that I do.

And then I remember to take it one day at a time. Be happy with what you have, what you've lost and what you've found along the way.
It makes everything just a little easier.

Like last Tuesday when I was too sick to go to Marj's. I called in to work and told them I couldn't take care of her that day.
She's just so used to me being there in the morning to get her ready and make breakfast, but i just couldn't get up.
Anyways, I went to her the next day and I remember the look on her face when she realized it was me and not some random caregiver. And she smiled so big.
Before I left that day she said, "so you will be here tomorrow then?"

"yes marj, I promise."

Once again she smiled and said she looked forward to it.

and she rolled over, (with my help ah ha) and I left her, knowing that if most things are going wrong in my life, that i'm at least helping someone who needs it most.

that's when I feel the best.
As for the rest of my stresses...
ah ha that could be about fifty pages. Dont worry- be happy.

infinity what?

This world is so crazy. We are just made up of nothing but numbers. I keep associating my life with numbers..
How 500 east and 1400 south through 3400 south have changed my life.. you will never be able to realize.
It makes me want to vomit when I turn my life inside out through numbers, and dates, and symbols, and time.
Time has made me feel like a fool. Why do you make me look at you at 11:26.. both times each day and night? Why do I look at 11:11 at least once a day? (figuratively speaking).

This world is full of unanswered questions. I'm unlocking these itty bitty pieces of it. And it scares me. But its exhilerating at the same time. But why? Ha its like I'm so excited for this all to be over.
If you don't quite follow me.. please look up anything that has to do with 'golden ratio' and/or '2012'. If you know nothing of either, do not fret. Just learn.
Listen, I'm horrible with numbers. Never was too smart with math.. but this is simple. It makes me crumble in ways I've never thought I could. But its beautiful.
This earth is such a crazy, self absorbed piece of something bigger than we'll ever know.
We are part of something more.
Enough about that though.. but I was realizing just how much the golden ratio has to do with our world and how it related to my life this morning. Haha.


Once again I was outside sitting on the driveway waiting for the sun to come up.. (of course.. ha I can never sleep. But I love that.) Anyways, I was outside and like I said, I was sitting there and I looked down for a split second.. and BAM! Haha I saw all of these ants.. and my ass was smack dab in the middle of them.

Needless to say.. I flipped out like a 6 year old and I think I even kicked my legs for a solid minute.
Haha I still don't know what good that did.. but ehh :)

Anyways I wrote this for the little guys:

Mountains of me.
Trembling you crumble as the movement of polyester leaves you sticky in anticipation,
Heading towards that grumbling movement.
Light. Rhythmic breathing.. warmth. Oh, warmth.
Don't care about nothin' but that sound of breathing.. and dark tumbles of '"fake silk" drags you along in a pattern that keeps you shaking in false hope.

But suddenly you are shifted..
Left alone. Made of broken body and soul.
You pick yourself up to go along with the crowd again.
Never sticking out.
You belong along that sweet warmth of me. Of me.
Little ant crawl along.

Shameless
Go back to your disease. Your love. Your ache.
Of shelter. Of necessity. Of instinct.
Goodbye little ants I have stumbled upon.
Sorry if I killed one of your friends :D

runaway train.

I was trying to turn myself inside out this year.
I guess you could say that i'm a person who resolved everything by starting new.
It's just one of those things. One of those itches that you can't quite scratch.
This year has been full of intuitive insights. I have discovered more about myself than I could have ever imagined. But I have discovered more about people too.
This way of opening up my world. my heart. my attitude. my life. It's caused this shift in my brain. And i'm eating it up.


just so you know.

I will always be one step ahead. Whether it's true or not. It is what it is.
This year is about discovering one's self. read your horoscope more. I promise you will find what you're looking for.
Catch up with yourself before the world eats you up, my love.

i wrote this for a 'little bird':


Hush now little bird. You were left whimpering in a corner.
and enough about how the world has come and gone. it's all been just waiting. waiting for you, waiting for the ground to fall beneath your feet and for your hands to get underneath my soul and hold my mind.
hold my world.
the gold in your face never looked so pure, and the black in my heart never felt so lost behind.
behind what is everything. and what is keeping the sky alive.
it's you.
Oh. Little bird, I watch you fly every day.
Today is one where I will pick up along, and I'll hesitate before falling helplessly into a dream of flying beside you.