grumble grumble.

There is this cricket above me while i'm sitting on this hill.
I keep hearing him rub his legs together and I hear the sounds come crashing in like a piece of ocean hitting my feet.
And the wind becomes some song that i always want in my ear.

That's when I start humming and i'll remember a song I haven't sang for a while. so tonight i'll sing alone.
All the while, remembering the taste of it all and making a memory in my mind.
A timestamp of what went wrong in my life to make all of this right.
The city looks like a top hat sitting on the trees.
And the sky looks like a picture with an ocean of lights below.
Almost like if you watched the world above come crashing down like waves of blue and black and stars.
Stars.
But the pavement keeps me warm and I can feel the heat through my jeans and the earth turns into a blanket I cannot crawl under. But I want to.
With life comes change.
With change comes awareness.
And with all of my new foun theories and dreams, I could just settle here. Just watching the sky turn the world dark.
And I myself, start to dissipate.
Almost fall asleep I suppose in the night air, and the branches that i can see when i'm laying out with the sky.
Just sometimes, I wish that the street lights would all turn off so I could see the whole of it all. So i can see the moon without the city lights.
Lately i've been tested. In ways I never knew.

This... cat.
Changed my life.. I suppose.
I keep thinking back to a couple months ago when my life was drowning and everyday i woke up with an ache. it almost felt like my self worth was kicking me in the stomach telling me to do something.
And then I found Toot.
At the park just wandering. Poor little guy, and I scooped him up right in my little palms. That's how littttle he is.
And I had to leave my living situations for him. And it pushed me.
Here I was.. looking for something to get me away from my normalcy. I wanted to stop feeling like I was trapped, when I very well can do whatever I please.
I am moved into my own place now and I love it. I am happy and I have little dummie Toot. ha ha ha.
I have to push myself. Or someone else has to. I swear. when life is easy, i get boring and dumb. I have to be pushed. Every single day. That's all. And i've learned to do it myself.
Now I live downtown and i'm happy about everything.

Who says life can't be changed by the smallest little tap. It's like this butterfly effect and it takes a hold of you and you don't know what to do with yourself.

Somedays, I hope to be a writer, a painter, a "whatever", that can jump start my motive; my reason for doing everything that I do.

And then I remember to take it one day at a time. Be happy with what you have, what you've lost and what you've found along the way.
It makes everything just a little easier.

Like last Tuesday when I was too sick to go to Marj's. I called in to work and told them I couldn't take care of her that day.
She's just so used to me being there in the morning to get her ready and make breakfast, but i just couldn't get up.
Anyways, I went to her the next day and I remember the look on her face when she realized it was me and not some random caregiver. And she smiled so big.
Before I left that day she said, "so you will be here tomorrow then?"

"yes marj, I promise."

Once again she smiled and said she looked forward to it.

and she rolled over, (with my help ah ha) and I left her, knowing that if most things are going wrong in my life, that i'm at least helping someone who needs it most.

that's when I feel the best.
As for the rest of my stresses...
ah ha that could be about fifty pages. Dont worry- be happy.